Thoughts on the Advent Calendar
It's been a rough start to the year, and I'm just over being ill too. Again. I've written this stiltingly, in between mega-naps and nose-blowing fits – and it's not been an easy ride to get it into this kind of shape.
But I promised both myself and yourself that I'd stitch together my thoughts about the Advent Calendar, sooner or later. So here they are, in all their snuffly-nosed glory.
Advent Calendar?
At the end of last year I got this crazy idea to record a Christmas song each day for the whole of December up until (but not including) Christmas Day. On top of uploading a video on YouTube every single day, I also posted the chords here for said song, so you lovely folk at home could play along on ukulele, guitar, etc.
But...why bother?
Nobody gave me the idea, it came entirely from my own noodle. I'd realised some months prior that I wanted to perform songs and make videos for fun, and resolved to do so – but I was dragging my feet on it. Badly.
Over the first few months after my epiphany, I carried out some video tests and just...didn't like any of what I saw.
Didn't like the setup,
the angles,
the lighting,
the expressions,
the way I sit,
play,
and move.
Didn't like any of the visual stuff, really. I didn't like how skin I'm in looks Out There, to everyone else's eyes. I liked how I sounded when I sang...but that was about it.
It's not so bad when you take a selfie, because that's a snapshot of a miniscule moment, and you can curate everything about it just so. With video, in living colour, if you're not naturally photogenic, then honestly you're kind of screwed.
I am not naturally photogenic.
I am all tits and chins.
I don't dislike myself – just how I look on camera, with all its inherent reality distortion. My face is alright, and does wonderful things, like express my emotions, or act as a canvas for my creativity – but I dislike the cold, hard reminder that while internally I feel good(ish, putting aside the chronic pain of EDS3, yo), and assume I look good(ish), the truth is that what others see doesn't necessarily match that. And we all want to think we look nice, no?
Perhaps it's compounded by the fact that the natural aging process seems to have rather accelerated of late, so I'm painfully aware of lines and jowls and sags where once there was but smooth skin that I didn't appreciate at all. I may feel much the same as 20 years ago, here in my skin, but I certainly don't look it. Others may not notice, but I do.
Perhaps it's compounded by the fact that – if I wanted external validation for my self-esteem – I'm fortunate enough to be in a decades old relationship with a beautiful boy who still can't keep his hands off me. Who tells me I'm stunning, spontaneously, every single day. I'm very lucky to have a partner so deluded, and so sweet and kind. Maybe I should work harder on myself, for myself? Maybe I've gotten lazy. Maybe my expectations (SHOCKER!) of myself are too high. Food for thought.
In addition to all of the above, the camera adds ten pounds, and since I could already stand to lose some excess adipose, I felt I looked a puffy, weird version of myself. I did not like what I saw, but still wanted to perform. What to do when you want to feel good about making something, but you just…can’t?
What doesn't kill you...
I had begun to fall into an 'I'll start when...' mindset for my YouTube channel.
I'll start when I feel more comfortable on camera.
I'll start when I've lost some weight.
I'll start when I feel less old and busted.
I'll start when I've gotten better at playing and singing.
I'll start when I've mastered more than a couple of strumming patterns.
I'll start...when? Later. Some other time. Not now.
In the past, I benefited from systematic desensitisation when I needed to overome crippling performance anxiety at public speaking, and quick-sharp. I decided to use the same method to get over the hurdle of procrastination I was building for myself here. And so the Advent Calendar was born: a regime of making daily videos, over an ambitious (but mercifully limited) timescale.
Videos need to be edited, though. Which meant I'd have to regard my performance repeatedly while editing, too. Putting aside all of the above, my perfectionist tendencies would be sure to show up and have me umming and aaahing over minor details forever.
And this is where the radical acceptance came in.
The notion was to shoot the songs, and then just use whatever was a full take, regardless. The daily schedule was designed to put pressure on me to say, 'THIS IS FINE. SHIP IT.' and be done with it. Thank you, next.
I gave myself the right to veto if I really needed to, but sparingly. In truth I only vetoed a couple of recordings: one where I tried something and it didn't work at all (though I'll use a refined version of the idea some other time) and another where I scrapped the song entirely because I simply wasn't feeling it.
Even with a horrible cold at the worst timing, some recording problems due to tech errors, the ambitious schedule, occasional lateness, and all of those pesky feelings (ugh, feelings) I finished the 24 songs as I'd promised I would.
Let's take a moment here
I did it, and I'm proud of what I created.
I learned an absolute ton from the process – I feel like a different person now, with a greater appreciation for the hard work that goes into making these kinds of things. And isn't that what life is about? Understanding and empathising as much as possible? Widening horizons of thought and creativity? Yes. For me, it is.
Caveats and growth
The aim was never to make a professional, perfect video series. The lighting is off in a bunch of them. Sometimes the sound isn't so great. You couldn't objectively call each one a 'good performance'. I genunely look awful in at least one.
But it's time for the shruggy shoulders: they're 100% more made than any other videos of mine.
I'm far from a pro, but I've already seen improvement in my knowledge, ability, efficiency, creativity, and enthusiasm. Just by doing it and keeping on doing it, I was getting more out of the process – which is wonderful, and makes it all worth it.
As time went on I:
...improved my filming skills. It's a lot of work to frame and place the scene from the right angle, arrange camera settings, optimise lighting based on the time of day/natural light/kit available, connect the microphone properly, sit in the right place, film a reasonable take at the right kind of volume facing the mic.
...became less painfully, crushingly self-conscious in front of the camera. Early tests saw me messing up songs – that I could usually play in my sleep – as soon as the camera was on me. I got more used to it being there, and started making better eye contact with my audience, too, even though I still need to refer to the chords all the time because BRAIN!
...got used to the process of editing videos. To shoot, transfer, import, edit, fix lighting, colour grade, maybe do some harmonies, line up vocal tracks, render, export, upload, tag, choose thumbnail, and publish. It's a multi-step process that takes a long time. Exporting video alone can take ages. I did this basically every day for a month.
...got more familiar with the editing software, and now know some shortcuts. Learned how to do some snazzy effects like cloning myself, or adding multiple layers of vocals. Got experience with basic sound mixing.
...found it easier to craft short blog posts. (Hah! Me! Not writing much! IMAGINE.)
...got better at Just Going With It. That's my face. That's my body. That’s the take. They're not perfect, but they're what I have to work with, and if the choice is between working with them and making something, or shying away and making nothing, I have to choose the former and be okay with it.
The people have spoken
It's funny, because not a single person said anything mean or nasty about the videos, or the endeavour – and YouTube tells me that people were watching. Not a huge audience, but I know some folk kept coming back. Sure, I got some comments on my appearance, which were meant as compliments, but that's to be expected when you put yourself out there into the kyriarchy. I got a fair number of private messages saying that people were really enjoying the videos, that I sounded great, or that I have a 'beautiful voice' – and it was nice to know that people were enjoying what I had made. After all, that's a big part of why I'd done it.
Nobody offered unsolicited advice about how to sound best because they wanted me to stay in my lane. Nobody was mean or cruel for no reason. Nobody was gross in the comments or messages. It'll probaby happen at some point, but it hasn't happened yet, so I'll chalk that up as a win.
How I feel about it
I'm immensely proud of the Advent Calendar, and I'll probably never, ever do one again.
It was a challenge, it was ambitious, and it was an enormous amount of work – on top of my actual full-time day job. I must admit, about two thirds of the way through I started to get weary of the gruelling schedule I'd set myself, and I definitely had a few times where I just wanted to do anything but film another video that night – but I persevered and completed it.
I learned a lot about myself. I learned that seemingly I have very good relative pitch. I learned that radical acceptance can work. I feel more comfortable in front of a camera than I ever have in my life, and I can do things now that I wouldn't have had the first clue about just a few short months ago. I can see myself becoming more comfortable in front of the camera as the videos go on - I can literally see my progress. It’s lovely to see that I’m still learning.
I still don't love the disconnect between how I feel about my appearance In Here versus Out There, but all those lines are mine, and mine alone. If nothing else, it's a reminder that when I’m fit (i.e. not now) I look better and feel better about my shell, so it’s encouragement to get back on the fitness wagon harder than ever before. Now I’m over the second cold in a couple of months, I intend to do just that.
Conclusions on the Advent Calendar:
It hasn't killed my desire to perform, quite the opposite. The Advent Calendar has reinforced that I'm capable of powering through and making something people enjoy, even if I don't feel so good about it. Heck, it's all about perception, and the sheer number of times I furrowed my brow while editing and my husband looked over my shoulder and said, 'That looks and sounds AWESOME!' goes to show that people can get different things from the same stimuli.
I like making videos. I like singing. I like the doing of the process and the seeing of the results. So I'm going to keep on with it.
I've been absolutely exhausted since starting back to work after Christmas, not in great shape, and (in the last week) really ill off work. But thankfuly I'm recovered and my voice has returned, so I plan to celebrate her by recording a video cover and putting it up very soon! It'll be the first of many – hopefully on a weekly basis from now on. Wish me luck.
At some point later this year, you'll get to hear some of my songs, but I can’t share them yet. I've put a plan in place for some big progress in 2019, and I know it's going to be absolutely wonderful. I can't wait to share it with you.
Keep dreaming and learning. You have no idea yet what you are capable of.
Love always,
Fay
xXx