The secret of love – in brief

"Aah, you guys are so cute." "How long?!" "...What's your secret?"

People often jokingly despair at us for being so loved up: the curious girl with the resting-bitch-face and the Kind-Eyed-Boy with the amiable demeanour who are still together after 20+ years. Just how does that work?

Remarkably easily, as it happens... Come with me, you'll see what I mean. 

Let me tell you about my love

We don't like all of the same things, but we like a lot of the same things. We don't agree on everything, but we agree on the important things. We're distinctly different people. We disagree. We compromise. It works. We work. 

And I'll tell you why.

We like each other

Sure, we love each other, but we actually really like each other, first and foremost.

I want to know what he has to say about pretty much everything. His opinion is always the first one I'm interested in, after my own. Our differing ideas are fascinating to me. When we're neither of us sure, discussing things with him crystallises both of our ideas, and makes us understand ourselves and each other better. 

He makes me smile, when he's not even trying to (by being cute and funny) and when he is – through the sheer fact that he cares to try. 

He brings something to my world that I don't have. A different perspective. We like that about each other. 

Knowing

I don't think we'd actually pass that awful Mr & Mrs game where you have to guess the answer the other would give, but y'know, photocopying him in my mind isn't actually what love's about.  

Him being a total enigma to me, and vice versa, is what makes him so powerfully attractive. I have a ballpark where I know his ideas will fall, but I try not to assume I know what he'll say. By really listening, life and love retains interest. 

There are stories and jokes I've heard a thousand times, but each time he tells them differently. Each time can be new if you're willing to listen, and to Be Here Now.

Bodies

Sexuality is complex, and we both have exceedingly complex sexualities. I run my sexual life by the rule that if you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. So we discuss things. We negotiate. We take feedback. Sure, there's plenty of spontaneous wild fucking too, but you have to be able to talk about it, if you're going to do it well. Both emotionally and physically, clear boundaries help – and consistent respect of those boundaries makes everyone feel more adventurous, more wanted, and more loved.

While it's really very nice, I didn't just fall in love with his body, I fell in love with his mind. I fell in love with the soul behind his eyes. We met when we were much younger, and if our attraction to the other had been based solely on the shape and size of arms and thighs, we would have missed out on a whole lot of fun when our bodies changed with age, fitness, and (in my case) extremely late development. 

If you base your love (and sex) on the idea that you'll both change, but you'll change together, the natural process of growth and aging doesn't have to be one that tears you apart. Instead, it can be one that cements everything that's good and wonderful and hot and fine. He feels like home, but like a really, really stunning home I'm fortunate to enjoy every day. 

Understanding and openness 

Everyone has their own brand of broken or ill – and we're no exception. Knowing each other's issues, helping to address or ameliorate them, just sitting them out together, and supporting each other's recovery and wellbeing – it's all a required part of people with the human condition being human together.

Our relationship comes first

Jobs come and go. Friends come and go. Houses, holidays, furniture, clothes, stuff – it's all superfluous. Sure, some of it's important, and necessary, but our relationship comes first. 

We're best friends. I never talk down about him - I talk to him if there's a problem. We keep each other's secrets. We face the world together. We make time for each other, even when dumb social rules say we should be doing something else. Screw social rules and popularity, some things are more important. 

We're different and the same. I'm so very lucky he's got such low standards for a partner.

True love is staying for their values, the goofy jokes that make you laugh like a kid, the stories you've heard a thousand times, and how their skin to yours feels like home.

True love is respecting and desiring your best friend, after years together.

True love is knowing that bodies age and evolve in unexpected ways, and being attracted to all those wonderful versions of the person you chose.

True love is changing, growing, and learning together.

True love is encouraging each other, and bringing out the best in them, just because you want to see them shine.

True love is being better together.

If you're going to love someone, love them well.

Love always,

Fay

xXx