New section: Photography
Over the past couple of years I’ve taken to making photographs. Given how important photography is to my life, and my identity as an artist now, it seems only right that my blog should house some of my favourite images.
Some of them are pretty good. Go to my Photography section now to check them out! (I’m planning on adding a section for my paintings soon, too.)
But what would a blog post of mine be without some protracted self-reflection?
Swapping bad glass for good
I’ve always had a fairly good eye for an image, but this whole photography shebang really started when I got a camera for making YouTube videos. I’ve written before about how I was inspired to start my own channel by other incredible young women on that platform, and I’m the kind of girl who does something right, or doesn’t do it at all. A proper camera was needed for filming videos, then.
The aforementioned ‘right, or nothing’ mentality often works in my favour, but also left me trapped in the crippling ennui of perfectionism for many years. Separately, but on an inextricably-linked note, I also had an alcohol abuse problem for a while there, and throwing out the trash in that area of my life (I’m fine now, yay me) bloomed a whole boatload of new creative endeavours into my life.
OUT = drinking myself to death to push away my feelings about not being where I should be, bullying and abuse, grief…and more.
IN = a nice refurbed camera, some webspace (you’re in it), a will to create, and an ongoing endeavour called my Imperfection Project.
The gist: perfection doesn’t exist, and if everything but perfection is a mistake, I’d rather make mistakes than not make anything at all
My project involved starting a YouTube channel - throwing myself in at the deep end with a ridiculous (but ultimately kind of brilliant) Advent Calendar of one song a day during December 2018. Radical acceptance of my stupid face on my stupid body on stupid screens. Making something and putting it up regardless. Even though I got a cold, it worked out pretty well, and I’m very proud of it. After a long hiatus, because of moving countries, I kept on making the videos, despite myself, so something must have clicked.
But the camera also brought me other things…
Magic Eye
Turns out, if you take a pretty good eye, and add a pretty good camera, you get some pretty great photos. Synergy.
I’m usually modest about it, but damn, I’m really proud of some of the photos I’ve taken. They are banger shots. It…turns out I’m fairly good at this whole amateur photography thing. It’s not easy for me to admit that, because the voice In Here instructs me to downplay my achievements at all times. Which is why I went back and added the word ‘amateur’ to that sentence to sandbag myself. Regardless, I seem to have some skills.
But I’m also proud of what my camera has done to me; how it’s rewritten my code in a lot of ways:
since getting my camera, I look at the world in a different way
I now look at the world through the eyes of an artist…and it’s a nice lens with which to view the world. It allows me to find beauty in everything. It’s a viewpoint that challenges me to change my viewpoint - because straight on at eye level often isn’t where the magic lies. It’s a viewpoint I wish I’d had for a long time. I think maybe I always did, but my metaphorical lens had the cover over it.
It’s nice to feel a little bit special, like maybe you’re seeing something that other people can’t. I guess this is what everyone else felt like when those Magic Eye pictures were all the rage? I can’t see them, and I dearly wanted to be able to at the time. I stared, and stared, but it turns out I’m congenitally unable to see them. If this is my tradeoff…I’ll take it. It’s nice to walk into a room at the British Musem, and have the targeting reticule of my brain look at everyone else taking the same photograph, and hear the mental beeps of my creativity latching onto where I’ll position my image. It’s truly lovely to have a relative ask me to be an exception to the rule of ‘no photos’ at her wedding, and for her to say that the snaps I took were her favourites from the day. It’s special, to be able to find the specialness in anything. It’s nice to be special for once.
Now that the oblivion and social lubrication of alcohol isn’t something I partake of, it’s also helpful to have something that stops my mind from zooming a bit with dissociation and anxiety at social events. I’m cool with it nowadays, but my In Here isn’t the same as your In There, and if you’ve met me, it’s definitely different to how you think my In Here is because of how I present. I pass as a confident person…but I’m the girl who can (and did) have a full-blown panic attack on stage at open mic night, and nobody will be able to tell. I like my mind, but she lies to me, and sometimes it’s nice to be distracted with something, anything, else. Plus, having the camera gives me something to do when, golly, I do not want to be making polite conversation with relatives whose self-esteem is built based on how much they can tear others down.
Aside the distraction, the photographic results, and the little snug-burrito-of-specialness-feeling, photography is something I derive a great deal of pleasure from. I’m a simple beast. I love finding the angles, seeing how my photos are improving, the act of capturing photos and developing them afterwards: cropping, balancing, colour-grading, exporting. I enjoy every bit of the process, and I can lose myself for hours in it. That’s the elusive flow. It’s what I find when I’m writing posts like this, or writing songs, or painting, or drawing the characters for my video game. It’s a good kind of time travel where magic fizzes from your fingertips to make something unique, and it’s a kind of magic I like to experience.
Ghost limbs
I went to a gig recently (Tessa Violet, O2 Islington, great gig) and had a really strange experience. Aside from feeling like my bones were turning to powder because everyone else there was so young (and he’s a negging asshole and you deserve better. GURL! GURLS!) I felt out of sorts because I couldn’t take my camera. Camera phones were fine (so the iPhone nouveau riche come away with great shots, the rest of us will end up with blown out muddy captures if we even try) but my proper camera wasn’t.
Despite the anxiety I mentioned, I’m often having a pretty good time in my own head - which is where I spent the gig, sequestered from the world due to earplugs because DAAMNNN it was loud. But I kept reaching for my camera. It’s so natural to me now. It felt like I’d had something very special taken away, but I coud still feel it itching in my brain. Even when my camera’s not with me now, I’m looking through the eyes of an artist.
I may not be able to capture those moments, but it’s nice that the itch is there to say:
remember this
you were going to capture this moment
feel this moment solo because it’s beautiful
you’re here and you’re alive
feel this now
I spent a lot of time not feeling things, by choice. It’s good to be here, now.
Whether I’m feeling a moment through my artist’s eyes alone, or capturing that split-second forever with my ghost limbs, I’ll always know in my heart that a handshake is more valuable than a selfie. But I also know that we can have those little creative handshakes remotely, mind-to-mind through art, across all our strange modern platforms. Here’s to a life full of both.
(And if you didn’t already, go take a look at my photos. Some of them are good!)
Love always,
Fay
xXx