Original Song: Gaslit
Bad bosses, cruel lovers, manipulative relatives, could be anyone...I think many of us have known gaslighting in some way, shape, or form. Sadly it’s more prevalent than any of us would like.
Here's a gentle, but ultimately triumphant, song I wrote about my experiences of being gaslit, and how I feel about it now.
Sadly, gaslighting is something that, during my life, more than one abusive person has put me on the receiving end of. For those not in the know, to gaslight is to: “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity”. That can run the gamut from simple things that seem like honest mistakes, to changing the goalposts constantly, to telling somebody they’re always wrong regardless of what the subject in hand is, through to some really truly horrible behaviour that denies reality.
Gaslighting is a form of bullying and manipulation that’s often overlooked (especially if, as is often the case, everybody likes the abuser) and it’s a cunning, insidious way to hurt someone by making them question themselves and their perception. Sadly, I’ve known several people with ego issues like that, who’ve been in positions to tell me that whatever I did was wrong because I did it, that ideas were bad if they came out of my mouth, that the work wasn’t up to scratch because it was mine, that I wasn’t good enough because...just because. People who say it wasn’t sexual assault, when it was.
And tell me they did.
Ultimately, you figure it out, and either let yourself be degraded or you walk away.
In every case, I’ve waited patiently for the right moment, and walked once it was safe to do so. That hasn’t stopped the abusive parties from making up lies about me having been fired when I had resigned, or saying they don’t know why I’m no longer in touch, or whatever stories they needed to fashion to satisfy their egos.
But it’s not my lookout. It never has been.
I wrote this song during a rainstorm, and as that sweet force of nature thrummed on the roof tiles, I let it all wash out of me. All those people who inspired it – and their wretched insecurities, and need for control, that they laid on to me – I bottled those sad folk into a song, to file away as just another experience that made me the incredible woman I am.
Because I am enough.
And I survive.
If you’ve ever been gaslit, I hope you escaped. If you’re currently being gaslit, I hope you find the courage to do so. Because you are enough.
Here’s my Imperfection Project video:
I was going to put a bunch of backing vocals over it, but...in this case, think I’m strong enough on my own. :)
Love always,
Fay
xXx